Letters of Youth


/ 12 May 2023

To The Aries,

Our story isn’t all sweet peas and daisies,
It neither is a fairytale nor has fairies,
At some point of my life I was happy,
From then on, I knew I was lucky.

I remember it back from the corridors as it was the first time we met. As the rooms of the academy were painted in yellow doors, we exchanged glances and smiles at first. We became not that close, but we were acquainted. After a while, we said “hi” to each other every time. And I literally had no clue on how having you in my life would be such a blessing. Years passed and I thought everything stopped at that.


From the last few months of the rainy season of 2018, I can proudly say that the boy with half a blood from the land of the rising sun was officially introduced to the family of the girl from the pearl of the orient seas. We became friends, but after a while everything changed. As a traditional native of my country, you undoubtedly braved your way as you have made the best form of courtship a girl could ever ask for. I was as young as 16 and you were almost 20, that is if I got that right… hopefully.

In an ocean of seas, you were my vessel,
Far from behind, I cried so well,
It was the boy I did not want to leave,
Yet without warning, it was myself I could not believe.

I have no choice, but salute how you treated me back then. I became so used to it and was so grateful. I even indulged myself into being accustomed with your culture, especially when it comes to food. All I remembered was how Maki tasted better than best and how chopsticks used to be everywhere. You visited our home almost every month, you even washed dishes, blankets and even towels, but I knew that it wasn’t just about getting my family’s approval. You knew how workaholic I was and you tried everything you could to help.

We had an American car at that time and I was so nervous when you offered to drive me to the nearest supermarket because we had to buy some laundry supplies. We laughed as you started driving because you almost scratched the back of the car in the middle of reversing and I’m not even sure if that’s what you call it because I don’t know anything about cars. I can’t forget how you taught me everything you knew when it comes to driving. I even have taken a video of you teaching it, but all I did was stare at you while talking. I admit that “driving lessons” were indeed boring, in my point of view, but at some point, you made it entertaining.

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day, it was my first time to receive a box of Ferrero Rocher and a little fragile gift named “Vitamin Sea”. I admit that it was one of the most memorable moments I had, but it has also been the hardest to forget every time I celebrate the 14th of February which I now acknowledge as some kind of a Halloween observance, rather.

You’re the gardener of my standard,
Yet all the blossom has caught me off guard,
I am a thorn without a flower,
I was ashamed thinking I’d be your lover.

I was at the brink of crowded thoughts when you were all perfect and it felt like you were coming out of a dream I did not expect at all. A little bit of fast forward again, I invited you to be my company as I visited my alma mater as they launched their annual school fair and that was around the first few months of 2019. I introduced you to my friends who were also my former schoolmates. It was the warmest of all introductions. I was so overwhelmed that I even forgot about what time it was. Back in the car, you knew I was starving and that’s why we ended up eating at McDonald’s. I even knew how to talk about “budget” when we were approaching the cashier. I forgot how much the budget was, but I never forgot the bunch of fries we ordered and it was the best of all fries.

Now that I remember, I didn’t even have to put up a front when I’m around you. Physically, I never was conscious of how good I’ll look that I didn’t even bother to put make-up on. In a bigger sense, I get to share even the cringiest stories as you listen attentively before bursting out the cutest laugh afterwards. That was one of the most genuine laughs I heard, but now it became an ethereal polaroid in my memory.

Still not a goodbye, but a letter,
Evanescence wasn’t my thing rather,
An apology would never suffice,
Now, I’m constantly paying the price.

I was at my darkest, in the middle of processing who I was and how significant my worth was. I failed to notice that I was having panic attacks and it was the worst anxiety episode of my entire existence for I cried without reason not wanting anyone to comfort me instead of my family, but those months were the hardest for all of us since we lost a loved one who was also very dear to me. I don’t know if this was enough of a reason, but I chose to push you away because of all that. Obviously, that was the biggest mistake I have ever made. My friends whom you knew actually asked me why I chose not to talk to you, but I lied. It was partly because I wanted you to just hate me instead of involving anyone else which drew me towards losing you.

Not talking to you might have been so harsh, but at the same time it was my way of not putting you into the situation I was in, for I am really not used to having someone care for me a lot other than my family. I thought that maybe in that way, I wouldn’t be able to utter the word, “goodbye” because I never intended to say that word to you at all.

I admit I was not brave,
I even locked myself in a cave,
T’was almost a dying grave, but nothing faded,
As the thought of you haunts me, I knew it was love I evaded.

Recently, I said to myself that if someday we bump into each other, I would be crying waterfalls without even saying anything and I don’t want that to happen. I want you to live your best life even though I won’t be part of it anymore. That would be the greatest gift that you could let me witness from afar.

Actually, someone asked me if I would choose to love a different person with the same qualities as you or if I would still choose to love the same person if given the chance. By now, you might have guessed what my answer was. Loving you the second time around would be easy, but wanting you back is not my type of greed. If I am asked the same question again, my answer would always be the same. If I would be asked why, it is because loving a different person with the same qualities I found in you would be so unfair for that will only mean that as I look at someone else, I remember you. Remembering you is good, but I cannot allow myself to hurt anyone anymore. Choosing to love you twice in a way that only I would know would still be the best choice.

The best of all moments turned to memories,
My half shut eyes once looked like candies,
To my soul, they’re now cranberries,
Yet our story made quite a scar, my dear Aries.

From this day forth, I know that pushing you away before is already my mind’s favorite mistake, my life’s biggest regret, my heart’s deepest guilt, but my greatest lesson learned.

You’ll forever be remembered by,
The Cancer