THE ADOBO COMMITTEE DELIBERATIONS
On July 11, 2021, The Adobo Committee convened to discuss the standardization of Adobo. During a time when a pandemic is far from being solved, corruption issues are aplenty, and unemployment rates are at an all-time high, the Adobo Committee was given the crucial task of ensuring the economic and social stability of the country which hangs on the standardization on the most-loved dish of the country.
Committee Chairman: Good morning everyone. Before we begin, Adobo Committee Secretariat, please do the roll call.
Secretariat: Yes, Mr. Chair. I will call the names of the committee members and please manifest your attendance by mentioning your favorite ingredient in an Adobo.
Secretariat: Mr. Classic Adobo?
Mr. Classic Adobo: SOY SAUCE!
Secretariat: Mr. Oily Adobo?
Mr. Oily Adobo: Sana, OIL!
Secretariat: Ms. Saucy Adobo?
Ms. Saucy Adobo: SUGAR to balance the taste!
Secretariat: Mdm. Adobong Puti?
Mdm. Adobong Puti: SUKA, kagaya ko, may ASIM!
Secretariat: Mr. Salvaged Adobo?
Mr. Salvaged Adobo: Yung MANOK na NATALO SA SABONG!
Secretariat: Ms. Vegan Adobo?
Ms. Vegan Adobo: PLANT-BASED PROTEIN in Adobo!
Secretariat: Mr. Pork Humba?
Mr. Pork Humba: LIEMPO WITH AT LEAST 2 INCHES OF FAT!
Secretariat: All members of the committee are present; we have a quorum Mr. Chair.
Committee Chairman: Very well, since we a quorum, I now call this meeting to order. First, I would like to state the importance of this deliberation. Members of the committee, please take note that today, July 11, 2021, our nation is at a crossroad. The Philippines cannot truly call itself a modern nation without the final determination of this committee. Our countrymen depend on us during these trying times. We have the ultimate responsibility of ruling on this issue of transcendental importance. Once and for all, we have to know, WHAT IS A STANDARD ADOBO?!
During our preliminary hearings, we have narrowed down the issues that must be decided on. Adobo Secretariat, what is the first issue that we need to resolve?
Secretariat: Mr. Chair, we have 100 issues to resolve and the first issue is what protein should be included in a standard adobo?
Mr. Classic Adobo: Mr. Chair, before we argue on that issue, I would like to raise an objection as to the membership of Mr. Pork Humba in this Committee. I raise this issue, Mr. Chair because Pork Humba is not an Adobo, not in the past, not now, not ever, Mr. Chair.
Mdm. Adobong Puti: Ooooooooh! CONTROVERSY!!!
Chairman: Mr. Pork Humba, kindly enlighten us again as to why are you a member of this Committee?
Mr. Pork Humba: Mr. Chair, I am offended by the objection of Mr. Classic Adobo. This is a clear manifestation of the monopoly of power that Imperial Manila tries to impose on the entire country. For the information of the nation, especially those who are from Luzon, Pork Humba is the Visayan version of Adobo. If you look at an Adobo and a Humba, you would not be able to tell the difference! I dare everyone in this committee to go to a carinderia and tell which one is adobo and which one is humba in the menu without asking the Ate/Manang first!
Ms. Saucy Adobo: Come to think of it, lagi akong nagkakamali sa adobo at humba.
Mr. Oily Adobo: Hmmmm…this is just like the Menudo, Afritada, Caldereta, and Mechado conundrum that our country has yet to resolve!
Chairman: Any rejoinder from Mr. Classic Adobo?
Mr. Classic Adobo: Mr. Chair, Adobo is very different from Humba. We all know it but we’re just afraid to offend their Visayan sensitivities. Anyway, Mr. Chair, I move that we vote on this matter!
Chairman: Alright, anyone here who can differentiate what Humba is from Adobo, please raise your hand.
Secretariat: Let it be put on record that only Mr. Classic Adobo raised his hand.
Chairman: By a unanimous vote, Mr. Pork Humba remains as a member of this committee.
Mr. Classic Adobo: But Mr. Chair!
Mdm. Sukang Puti: Mr. Classic Adobo, there’s no room for sourgraping here. In this committee ako lang ang pwede mag asim!
Chairman: Order! Let’s proceed to the first issue: What is the protein that should be included in the standard adobo?
Ms. Saucy Adobo: Mr. Chair, I’d like to start by saying that chicken should definitely be the protein for the standard adobo. Chicken is loved by everyone! Chicken is universal! Chicken is life!
Mr. Salvaged Adobo: I would like to second that, but may I state further that the best chicken ay yung mga natalong manok sa sabong! Mas malasa yun at masustansiya, puno ng vitamins yun ha! Yung vitamins na para sa mga anak, sa panlabang manok pinapainom!
Mr. Oily Adobo: Mr. Chair, chicken is a big no-no! The only reason that Ms. Saucy Adobo is advocating for chicken is because she can compensate the bland and gamy taste of chicken with her secret sauce. Paano naman ang Oily Adobo or Adobong tuyo? As for Mr. Salvaged Adobo, the meat of chickens used for cockfighting is tough, kelangan munang ilaga ng 24 hours yun bago mo pwedeng adobohin! I-tinola mo na lang yan!
Mdm. Adobong Puti: If it were up to me, any protein will do as long as it is tender and juuuuuuiiiiiiicccccy!
Mr. Pork Humba: Hands down, the best adobo is the one with fat. Pork liempo with fat trimming is the best protein for adobo. When that fat from the pork renders, the flavor is miles away compared to other kinds of meat. Kapag yan ang adobo, ihanda mo na ang extra rice!
Mr. Oily Adobo: I agree with Mr. Pork Humba!
Ms. Vegan Adobo: What a disgusting proposition! Mr. Chair, it is time that we go plant-based. Eating meat will be the end of the world as we know it. Don’t you know that it takes tons of crops and water to raise farm animals? In fact, it takes up to 13 pounds of grain to produce just one pound of animal flesh! All that plant could be used much more efficiently if people just ate it directly!
Mr. Classic Adobo: In my expert opinion, adobo works well if chicken and pork are used at the same time! That’s how flexible adobo as a dish is. Kahit pagsabayin mo yan, pwede. Imagine, can you put chicken and pork in sinigang at the same time? No. Pork is for Sinigang and chicken is for Tinola. I therefore propose that a standard adobo should have equal parts of pork and chicken!
Chairman: Is everyone in agreement with that proposition?
Ms. Vegan Adobo: Mr. Chair, I object. This will effectively discriminate against vegans!
Mr. Pork Humba: I object to that Mr. Chair, chicken will just be a superfluity, pork can carry Adobo alone.
Mdm. Adobong Puti: I don’t know about that Mr. Chair, what if there is a shortage of either chicken or pork, then nobody will be able to cook the standard adobo?
Ms. Saucy Adobo: I object too Mr. Chair, because of the fat, everyone is afraid of Adobo and less and less people get to taste my secret sauce!
Mr. Oily Adobo: Mr. Chair, I also object, chicken oil is for Inasal, not Adobo!
Chairman: Alright, alright. My goodness! This is only the first issue out of 100?! And we cannot reach a consensus already?! We may have underestimated the magnitude of the task before us. We need more than just the wisdom of this committee. We need the people who have steered this nation to greatness. We need the best and the brightest.
It’s time to call the ADOBO-13 INTER-AGENCY TASK FORCE!
Secretariat, coordinate this matter immediately. My God. What will happen to the Philippines now? How will we ever standardize Adobo? This problem is bigger than all of us.