Letters of Youth


/ 14 February 2022

Dear February,

14 months and 14 days have gone and until now I still can’t be with you. I remember the last time we celebrated our love were the days the world wasn’t yet masked with COVID 19. Sadly, we had to make use of our phone screens just to have a glimpse of each other’s faces without having the chance to touch and caress physically. I am longing to hold you and be in your arms for quite a while now. I don’t know for how long I will be able to withstand more years of doing the same routine every time.

However, as I took a stroll down the suburbs of Oxford, I realized that the Philippines might seem so far but I always felt like you were so close. With all the travel restrictions, I may not have seen you for a long time now but I know that our efforts in making this relationship survive won’t go to waste for it might even strengthen it rather. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve caused you pain whenever I wanted to break up with you just because of how far we are from each other. I forgot how far we’ve been through. I’m sorry if I made you waste your tears on me. I cannot promise that you’ll never cry anymore, but please try not to when I’m not around because I won’t be able to be there to wipe it for you and cry with you at the same time. I’m sorry if you felt like you aren’t valued and that I dislike all your efforts. I’m sorry if I failed to be the person who’ll guide you up for I know that I’ve been pulling you down. I know that instead of supporting you, I’ve chosen to block your way from opportunities ahead. I guess I became selfish knowing the fact that you might have the taste of success but I won’t be able to observe it with you.

From now on, I want to be deserving of the love you’ve given me. I want to be worth all your struggles just to communicate with me. I promise to enjoy every single day of love with you in every way possible, be it virtually or emotionally. I hate it whenever anxiety hits me and I can’t even hug you nor have any shoulder to lean on, but I have a picture of us at the back of my phone that has saved me every time. I don’t know why I’m writing this letter knowing that it would never be able to reach you. How I wish I could turn back time to have handled things maturely and make everything right, but I know no one has ever created a time machine for me to be able to do so.

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a Philippine Hospital without a subject, and I ignored it since I had a lot of things to do. After a few days, I began to wonder because I was not able to reach you. I tried calling you and sending messages across all your social media accounts but I failed to receive any response. I was worried but I was not allowed to book a flight to the Philippines because of the COVID19 surge. I was out of options already, but I got an email again from the same hospital and your name was written on the subject line. My world collapsed when I realized that I got a lot of emails about you and I never had the time to read it. A medical representative was the one who sent me the email explaining that you were at the critical stage of the virus and was confined for 2 weeks already. That’s when I started counting and it just dawned at me that those were the times when you said that you can’t call through video because of a low internet connection. I want to ask you questions like, “’Why didn’t you tell me about it?, ‘Why did you fight alone?’ or ‘Why were you so selfish?’”, but I can’t. I know that I haven’t been a great partner for the past months and I will forever pay for all the time I’ve wasted.

I tried calling the contact number I got from the hospital but all I heard was a voice saying, “Time of death: 6:45pm”

At first, I wasn’t sure if I heard it correctly, so I tried cutting the line and began calling again. It was answered, but the phone was transferred to your mom who told me everything that had happened. She told me that you did not want me to be worried and she also reminded me to not be too hard on myself. However, I cannot accept the fact that you’re gone because I plan on living together with you, have a family and explore the world for the rest of our lives.

A few months have passed, and I received a package. I was shocked because it was sent from the Philippines. As I opened it, an explosion box surprised me with all our pictures inside, but there was a letter. The letter was from your mom and she told me that she was the one who finished making the craft to be able to send it to me in good shape. She even told me that you were planning to give it to me by the time we see each other again and that I should open the last box placed with a heart in the middle.

My eyes flashed upon two diamond crystal rings with words engraved as it said, “To infinity and beyond.”

I’ll be waiting for the time I’d get to put the other ring on your hand.

We’ll see each other again soon.