Letters of Youth


/ 8 January 2021

“A pretty face that goes well with yours and someone to come home to when you’re lonely. I wish that you could see that I’m so much more than that.”

“We” idolized love stories that overestimate the reality of relationships. It made us believe that after all the struggles and pain ‘you still have each other in the end.’  Now, I don’t believe that “all we need is love.”

Sometimes love can’t reciprocate the truest things we need, respect, and commitment to people we value. You will fall in love with people who are good and who are bad for you. I am not capable of handling intimate relationships not until I met you. Who would have thought I could be with you? Way back then I cringed at people who were very sweet to each other. I wasn’t even sure of what I felt when I say, “yes” to you. I was torn between infatuation or love because I was hurt. I’ve been hurt before that I didn’t even expect I would love again. To the extent where I loved you more than myself, which was I know unhealthy. Sounds so silly, right? The feelings were foreign because when I had my first relationship, it was very different. You’ve treated me like I was the only one.  You gave me high hopes that we could end up together, but I couldn’t blame you because it was me who expected, though I know it could change (easily.)

I hope you are feeling I loved you enough. I had hoped you saw my worth more than anything you’d wanted. I hope you see me more than something pass the time. I wish you see how much you mean to me. I hope you know how much how I wanted to be with you. I hope you feel it.  I wish you looked at me like you also see our future as I did. Our life of being tied together. I  wish you see how my eyes glistened when I’m with you. I wish you see me more than who fulfills your needs. I thought I was important just as much as your friends. I thought…

I was blindsided by the “love” I believed. I don’t know what half love was, but I do, now. And, I don’t want to feel it again. I don’t deserve it.  I don’t want the love that was coming from your guilt. Our relationship brought intoxicating emotions where the next day we got okay then fought again ’bout the problems we have had discussed. The fights repeated itself. The problems were never really resolved. The chaos came that we both couldn’t control the situation itself. I couldn’t take anymore seeing myself heartbroken again that we can’t at least talk over the phone. I couldn’t just sit there and relax without overthinking, you’re with her again. I can’t sleep when I know you’re not sleeping alone. I couldn’t keep hoping you’ll change.

Did I love you enough? Other people might say it was enough and others wouldn’t. I was stupid enough when I chased you before, though I know you had passed time ‘thingy.’ And I couldn’t be as martyr enough as what you see in the movies. I can’t accept ‘sorry’ anymore when I know you’re not sorry for what you did. “You’re sorry because you just caught.” I know I loved you enough but I couldn’t trust it again like before. I know I loved you enough not how others might wanna see it, but now I know should make you feel loved. I think “we” had enough time to know if the relationship would work. I loved you the way I wanted to be loved; I hope it was enough because I think of you more than myself. Enough to keep hoping you’ll see that I was the best thing that happened to you.

Maybe it was different from other relationships but I know what I’ve done was enough to prove that I loved you. I decided to pull myself get through it because if I let that pain gets deeper then I couldn’t even know what could’ve happened to me. Everything feels nostalgic. I was not someone who could have to plead you to stay with me when I know you really want to go. I know you have her already when everything falls apart. I had to back up my life because staying could mean destroying me more.

I realized that what you did was good for both of us. You’re happier and I moved on. Now, I have come to realize that love isn’t worth sacrificing yourself. I sacrificed enough for you. Enough to make you feel that I always cared. Enough to make you feel worthy. It’s not just us women who have to feel worthy (real talk) but you have to know when to stop. Enough to love yourself, this time.

And, I think that loving someone isn’t just enough. Enough of hoping if my needs are equal in importance to yours. Enough of hoping if you want to know me more… the real me.

“Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t believe in you. Don’t take this to mean you should be able to do whatever you want and they should accept it.”

“Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce. But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity, or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.”

You should not let love consume us nor sacrifice self-worth to it.

“I love me enough to not let you break me anymore.”